Sunday, January 13, 2013

Star watching.

   As things got worse with N, D and I hung out more and more. We would always go to the coffee shop, and sit outside on the back steps of the building that was barely ever used. So overall it was pretty private, and that's where we had all of our vent sessions. (No kissing I promise you:p) It was usually at night when I saw him, and our thing was that we would always sit outside and watch the stars. For some reason it was very easy to see them all from that spot. Given some nights, the lights were too bright and you couldn't see them very well. D was always working though, he didn't really have a lot of free time off. And even if he did, his parents wouldn't have let him go out and do something. So any time I did get to hang out with D it was at that coffee shop, during his work hours. But he always managed to sneak out without his manager noticing, and we would duck out back to talk. I always felt bad after cause he ended up getting in trouble every time for a while, but eventually his manager understood why he was sneaking out, and kind of gave him a silent permission. We had so much fun at that coffee shop though, he showed me how to have fun without having to try. You could always see a smile on my face when I was with D, his smile and laugh was so infectious. Not only to me, but everyone around him. He had that effect on people.
   D was a very talented and artsy guy, and also very emotional and sensitive. There was a piano in the coffee shop that he would play for hours for me. We would sit side by side on the bench just losing ourselves in the music. I was so fascinated by it, considering number one I don't know how to play any instrument, and number two, he never took lessons of any kind. He learned all his music, and learned all the keys by just listening to the sounds. It was amazing. He also painted and sketched, and he was really good. He could pen sketch a person's face with details in 5 minutes. D also could play the guitar and sing. He was very self conscious about his singing voice though, up until recently I had never heard him sing before. But of course he's amazing at that too. But over the time period that I was close with D, he wrote me countless poems, painted a picture for me and because of me, and wrote me a few songs which he never let me hear to this day. He was the overall hearts and flowers, romantic, sweet kind of guy, but had a very troubled past. He was honestly my version of a Christian Grey, except switch the whole dominant thing with sensitive and tempramental haha.
   It was about mid July, which is the time things with N were at its rockiest, and I was debating whether or not to break up with him (Thanks to D for making me realize how badly he treated me). I had not found out that he had been cheating at this point yet, but I had a very bad feeling that he was. Well, D and I were sitting in our usual spot on the back steps of the shop, and he switched subjects in our conversation to tell me that his parents would be out of town for the night, and that I should come over. My heart started racing. I had wanted to spend time with him alone like that for a long time, but I had a bad feeling that something was going to go down if I went. But it was too much of an opportunity to pass up, I never got to hang out with D, and here is my chance.
   We messaged each other once he got off of work, and by that time it was almost 10pm. It was so so late at night, there was no way my parents would let me out. And finally at 11pm he gave me the okay that I could come over. Now the hard part, how was I supposed to get there? I thought for a few minutes, and called my girl friend to come pick me up, and drop me off. I turned on my radio in my room, shoved some pillows and clothes under the sheets to make it look like I was sleeping, turned the lights off, and snuck down the stairs, and out the door unnoticed. I hoped in my friend's car and we were on our way.
   On the way there, my friend broke the silence by asking if I was sure that I wanted to keep hanging out with this guy, because I was dating N. She knew me well, and could tell I had feelings for this guy. Good question, but at this point I was considering breaking up with N for the way he was treating me. I was about 5.5 months into a relationship with N, and D showed me nothing but bad things about N, and the way N was treating me, and how much happier I was when I was with him instead. Overall I was very torn, to trust my mind and stay with a guy who I gave everything to who treated me that way, or go against what I was taught, and trust my heart and go with D. We got closer and closer to his house, and my hands started to shake, my stomach was filled with knots, and butterflies, and my heart was beating faster and faster. What was wrong? I had no idea why I was feeling like this, it was just D. I had no idea what I was nervous about, I had hung out with D numerous times, this should've been no different.
   She let me out at the end of his street, and as I walked closer to his house, I tried to calm myself down, or at least get my breathing back to normal. Then I saw him, he was sitting on his porch waiting for me. There was my D, but something was different, he was dressed up more than usual, and I could smell his cologne from 6 feet away. I smiled to myself, he had never done anything like that for me before. It was always just him and me, as ourselves. But of course, the fact that he did do that for me made me feel even more nervous and on edge than I already was. He jumped up as soon as he saw me, and I could tell he was nervous too. He lead me into his living room, and we sat on the couch side by side and stayed silent for about 10 minutes. Neither of us knew what to say, this was wrong, conversation usually flowed between us like water, but for some reason not tonight.
   We heard the front door open, and my heart jumped into my throat. Was that his parents? D grabbed my hand and we ran upstairs to his room, and shut the door. He laughed and said "I'll be right back, stay here and don't go anywhere". I did as I was told, and he reappeared from the hallway, and told me it was just his brother coming home early from a party. One of many knots was released in my stomach.  To pass the time he showed me some of his paintings and drawings he was working on, that were set up throughout his room. One painting in particular caught my eye, I wandered away from him and slowly walked over to it. Finally I realized he had taken a picture of me, and recreated it on the canvas. Immediately I felt my cheeks blush. The detail of the picture was so perfect. He turned to see what I was looking at, and embarrassed, he grabbed my hand to pull me away from it. He sat me on his bed first, then he sat down right next to me. His eyes never leaving mine, I told him it was beautiful, and he really was very talented. He laughed nervously, and playfully disagreed with me. We argued about that constantly, no matter how much I told him, he never believed me. We laid down on his bed, still side by side, and the conversation slowly picked up. I sighed, finally back to normal. He leaned up on one arm, and looked me straight in the eyes. I knew that face, he was upset about something. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Finally he muttered, "Let's go outside, and watch some stars". I sighed again, and followed him downstairs.
   A million things were going through my head all at once as we made our way outside. We found the perfect spot, and laid down side by side again. He was so close to me, usually it didn't really phase me, but tonight I felt a butterfly in my stomach do a backflip. I could feel his body heat even with the warm summer air around us, his shoulders brushed mine in a way that every time he moved, tingles shot down my back. He nudged my arm breaking my train of thought, and started pointing out the me all the  different constellations in the sky. He was so smart, not even just with stars, he was smart with everything. He is the type that you could be walking next to down the street, and he could point out and name every specie of tree that he saw. In fact we did that once. My interrupted train of thought continued, I loved everything about him. He had his issues, but everyone does. I mean I'm far from perfect. But it really was a beautiful night, there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The atmosphere was completely indescribable, other than perfect. We were silent for a minute, and then he leaned up on one arm again, giving me that face I knew oh too well. But this time he didn't hold back what was on his mind. He said "H, I can't take this anymore, I love you more than anything in this world, you are my everything". My heart dropped. I was afraid of this, I felt the exact same, but I was too stubborn. Looking back I was so stupid, but I felt the need to stay faithful to N due to everything I had done with him.
   My heart jumped back up into my throat, I felt like I couldn't breathe. His eyes burned into me, they were filled with hurt, and love. "I can't take him doing this to you anymore, I'm not going to just sit and watch him tear you apart". He knew what my answer was going to be, but he also knew this was his only shot. He told me to break up with N, and to be his instead. My head was swimming in all my thoughts, and I was drowning. It seemed too good to be true, like some fairy tale out of a book. But this was all too much for me, I whispered that I needed time to think. Mostly time to think about how to cut the ties with N. I needed space, and air to breathe. I started to get up, but he gently pushed my shoulder back down against the warm grass. He leaned in, his breath on my cheek, and kissed me long, hard, and soft all at the same time. He put all his pent up emotion all in that one kiss, then pulled away all in that same second. My stomach was doing doubles, triples, and quadruples. I felt horrible. This was the last thing I wanted to happen. I got up quickly and ran to the front porch, not looking back. He knew I was upset, and followed me out front. I was sitting on the porch crying. So many things were running through my mind, I didn't want to hurt D, I loved him. And then there was the whole thing about D kissing me, how was I going to explain that to N. He came over to me, sat next to me, and rubbed my back. His touch sent more shivers down my spine. He whispered, "H, I love you, I'm not hiding it anymore. I'm sorry for kissing you, I know it was wrong of me, but I needed you to see what you could have here with me". I choked out, "I love you too, but I can't D, you know that. I wouldn't feel right with myself if I didn't try to make it work with him". Disappointment washed over his face, but he continued to rub my back. I turned to give him a hug, and he gave one back, holding me tighter than he ever had before. I whispered in his ear, "Just let me think, give me a few more days to breathe, I need to figure this all out". He nodded. Then we said our goodbyes, and my friend took me back home.
To Be Continued:

1 comment:

  1. The way you describe D..he sounds like the absolute perfect guy! There is an expression of the self present in art and music unlike anything else. What a beautiful story so far.