Monday, January 14, 2013

Layers of ice.

I'm going to explain things more in detail with J, and I'm going to tell different stories that have happened in our relationship so far. Because our relationship is an ongoing story:) So I might post things out of order, but I'll try to keep things as straight as I can. I'll start off at the beginning and work my way up to now:)
   It was about a month since I had seen D or heard from him directly. (About mid September if I remember right) To me it seemed like he was done with me, and a part of me didn't blame him. I was stupid for not listening to him in the first place. But we are both at fault, but I don't dwell on what could've been. I am happy where I am, and wouldn't trade it for anything<3 I heard the news about D running away without contacting me, and the anger quickly replaced the pain in my heart. I tried to shut him out like he did to me, but I couldn't no matter how hard I tried. He was constantly running through my mind, and waves of pain were still noticeable mixed in with the anger. I was so worried, heartbroken, and still in love. At that point I had honestly lost all hope in guys. I was done, I was done with everything. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone. The two people I gave my full hearted trust to, broke my heart to pieces. And before D and N, I had "talked" to 3 other guys.
   I had my first boyfriend during my freshman year, I think I was about 13. I don't even know if you want to call it a relationship, but I had my first kiss with him, and I was so young that I acted myself around him, I gave him me. And 4 months later he broke up with me for a reason I never had found out, and we didn't even speak to each other until this year. Strike one. Next I talked to a guy for literally a week, I didn't even date him, or let alone kiss him. But he ended it because he said I was a nice girl, and he wasn't looking for that, and didn't want to hurt me. I do respect him for that, but still, strike two. Then after that, only a little while before I met N, this guy named K lied to me and told me we were dating. He tried to get me to send him provocative pictures of myself to him, and when I refused he got mad and told me everything. That he didn't care about me, used me, and was talking to several other girls. Strike three. Then of course I met N, who was my breaking point. He didn't want a nice girl either, but he decided to follow through anyway and try to change me into what he wanted me to be, but in the process he destroyed me completely. Strike four. Then there was D, the hurt I felt from him was indescribable. He tore up any shred of trust I had for the male species. I was completely done.
   My numbness remained, and the pain turned to anger, which I channeled mostly at D. One night I was so frustrated that I logged onto Facebook, and creeped on his page. Nothing new of course, he was missing like always. I looked at his friends list, and thought about his relationship with each of those people, how much he knew them, if he had a connection with them like he did with me. I quickly pushed those thoughts away knowing it would bring back the hurt. I knew D was the jealous type so I started randomly adding guys from his friends list. By the end of the night I picked about 5 to add. I know it was immature, but I had no contact with him, and I felt like that was an action that would be permanent, and he would see eventually. I had no interest in any of the guys I added, I honestly didn't even care if they added me back. It was just a way to vent my frustration. I was just about to log out when I saw a little red notification pop up in my messages slot. The unfamiliar feeling of butterflies filled my stomach, immediately thinking it was D, I opened it right up and read as quickly as I could.
   My heart sank. It was just from one of those guys I added. I double checked to see exactly who it was, I didn't even remember who I added. His name was J, he was from the same school as D, one grade above me, and I didn't really pay attention much, but I noticed he was pretty cute. Irritation tingled through my body as I read his message, and debated whether or not to reply. He said "Hey do I know you?". I thought I could get rid of him by replying back "Nope, just looking for some new friends. I'm pretty harmless, promise." I was very wrong. He messaged me back again, and said he noticed I played soccer. Shit he wanted to talk. I gave him very general answers hoping he would get bored with me. But I did I notice we actually had a lot in common. I got more into the conversation as we talked a little more. I started to ask more of the questions after so long, I could tell he was shy, and wasn't usually a conversation starter. He finally said he was getting off the computer, and he said I could text him if I wanted to keep talking. A red flag shot up in my head, oh no, this is how all relationships start. You text for a while, then you get to know them, then you meet up, then you fall in love, then they leave you. At least, that was the relationship I knew. The familiar sting of pain burned deep down in the pit of my stomach. I didn't know what to do. I actually was kind of having fun talking to this random guy, and he was really nice. I was torn, I felt backed up in a corner already, and he had no idea what was even going on with me.
   He left his number in a message (included was a smiley face), and I typed quickly giving him mine, not intending to text him. I needed to separate myself from him, I couldn't bear to have someone else hurt me. I was getting too close, and I didn't want to fall for him. I refused to let myself feel anything even friendship. I honestly think that was how I acted with everyone at that point in my life, I was afraid to have relationships of any kind with people. I literally just shut down. I took a shower to help relieve the tension that had managed to build up in my muscles. The water rushing over me felt so good, to just relax, and let go of everything for that brief period of time made me feel free from the cage of pain I trapped myself in. I got dressed in my comfiest pair of sweats and a cami I owned, and crawled into bed. I did my daily check of my texts to see if there was anything from D. Nothing, but there was a text from J. I sighed, that was not the name I wanted to see on my phone. He texted me saying a simple "Hey:p". He seemed so innocent, and I envied his confidence to put himself out there like that. But I put myself back in my position to see how stupid that was, that I could hurt him at any moment, and how often that happened to me. I've learned now that that's what a relationship is, you give everything you have to someone you think deserves it, and if they love you back, they will respect your weaknesses, and build you up higher, also giving themselves completely to you, trusting you will do the same.
   I texted back surprisingly, his openness with me drew me in. I don't know, he was different for some reason. He absolutely sucked at starting a conversation though. I started playing 20 questions just so we could have something to talk about. But he had no problem talking once I asked a question. And his answers blew my mind, he was so sweet, honest, and family-oriented. Every answer he gave was so kind, and completely different than any guy in my school answers would sound like. He was not the usual player, cool boy type I was used to and expected (minus D). Already at that moment, I think I started to have feelings for him. I ignored the fact that we clicked together almost immediately, as another red flag popped up in the front of my mind, ceasing all progressing thoughts of this guy. I was too close, way way too close. I needed to distance myself NOW. I checked the clock, it was almost 3 in the morning. Woah, where did the time go? I told him I was falling asleep, and I would talk to him another time. Completely not noticing my blunt, cold reply, he sweetly told me goodnight, and to text him tomorrow as long as I wanted. A layer of ice melted off my heart. I didn't understand how he could be so nice when I was purposely acting like a bitch, and pushing him away as hard as I could. But in a way I didn't want to push him away, I was torn 50/50. I was just scared, and I didn't want him, I wanted D, I promised I would wait for him. My D was still out there somewhere.
To Be Continued:

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