Tuesday, January 15, 2013

My hand to hold.

   The next morning, I went through my usual routine, check my phone, get ready for school, go to school, and soccer practice, then I came home. I usually don't pay attention to my phone during school, so by the time I was all nestled in my bed, I checked my phone again. And of course there was a text from J. So my coldness didn't drive him away, interesting. He told me he had just got home from his soccer practice, and asked what was up. I had nothing else to do, so I answered back. I told him I had just gotten home too, and asked him the same. He said he was sitting on the porch talking with his grandpa. I digested his words carefully, 'Awh' I thought. I wondered if this was him actually being honest with me or if he was trying to sound so sweet on purpose. We played more question games. For almost the first month of knowing each other, that was how we talked. We would take turns picking topics or questions to ask the other. We asked normal questions at first like what our favorite fruit was and stuff like that. But after so long he threw a curveball question, he asked me if I had a boyfriend because "he didn't want to cause any trouble with him if I did". Was this guy for real? A guy who actually cared if a girl was seeing anyone or not? He didn't even seem like a real person, he seemed too good to be true. I thought he must be faking all this. He is just another N. But he asked a red zone question, this is not where I wanted our conversation to end up. How do I even answer that question? No I'm single, but I'm crazy in love with someone who refuses to talk to me, but supposedly loves me too. Does that mean I do have a boyfriend? I tried to explain the short story the best I could. "Uhm no, but I kind of have feelings for this guy I'm trying to talk to, but I don't think he likes me the same way back, but I can still be your friend". His cool, and calm mood vanished. His texts became blunt like mine, he acted like he had just asked me to be his girlfriend and I shot him down. "Oh I didn't mean it like that, I would never date you, I just don't want trouble with another guy" he answered harshly. Ouch, what an ass. I just didn't want to hurt his feelings if that was what he meant, there was no need to answer like that. And that is exactly what I said. He said he didn't mean it to be mean, he said I took it the wrong way. But I knew he was just mad that I liked someone else. Alright, enough of that I thought, if he was going to be like that I wasn't even going to mess with him anymore. I was starting to get too attached anyway. Back to doing me, other people were too much work. I glanced at the clock, it was almost 12am. I turned off my phone without replying, threw it on the floor, and went to bed.
   The next day was a Saturday, and I woke up around my usual weekend schedule of 1pm. I checked my phone to see 4 texts from J apologizing, he said he didn't mean to offend me, and that wasn't what he meant. I stood by my decision to not get involved with him, and I completely ignored him for four days straight. He sent me at least one text a day, sometimes two. One telling me good morning, and one  saying "Hey". He was starting to really annoy me. Later on one night, I was doing my homework right before bed, and my ADD kicked in, and I took a break to go peek around on Facebook. This kid named I sent me a message. I thought it may have been another one of those guys I added, and I quickly scanned over the message. "Hey, so how come you stopped texting my boy J? He's sleeping over at my house right now, and was just telling me about you" Then about 5 seconds later I got a text from J saying "Hey sorry don't listen to him, I didn't know he was actually going to say something to you" I smiled, this was kind of funny and kind of cute. He was actually upset that I stopped talking to him, and was venting to his friend about me at his man-sleepover. Waves of thoughts invaded my mind, what if he really did like me? He actually cared enough about me to miss talking to me, even though I treated him so badly. But waves of pain also came with those thoughts. I wanted more than anything to be this guys friend, who knows maybe something more, but I was so scared of getting hurt. Could I trust this guy? This was a big step for me. Yes I think I could trust him. In my eyes he proved himself to be honest and trustworthy enough to talk to. The tightening pain that had encompassed my heart for so long finally let up. I felt good, to trust someone again. To talk to someone, and be able to laugh without forcing myself. I felt happy for the first time in a long time.
   J and I grew closer and closer over the next few days, we slowly became best friends. He cared just as much about me as D did, if not more. I didn't feel the magnetic connection I felt with D, but I didn't care. I was so happy. There was no longer a "red zone" for questions. We talked about anything and everything. The topic that sparked my interest was our past. I discovered he had majorly dated two girls. His first one was in 7th grade, and she cheated on him by going on the way with another boy. I was shocked, he didn't go all the way at that point, but 7th grade just seemed so young to be doing that stuff! His second girlfriend was almost a year before he started talking to me. He did go all the way with her, it was his first but not hers. Surprise surprise, we had yet another thing in common. But he broke up with her because in his words "she went crazy". He said she made up that they had a baby, and were married, and weird stuff, but she actually believed it. Like she babysat this kid, and pretended it was theirs kinda thing. Woah okay, wasn't expecting that. So he was hurt also, he confided in my that he has a lot of trust issues. He was preaching to the choir. I didn't really want to tell him about my past exes, but he insisted I told him. He was mortified, he said he couldn't believe someone would treat me like that. He said he was sorry, and that if I were his girlfriend he would never do that to me. Oh really? I couldn't help but smile at the words on my phone, coming from this guy I had never seen in person. I think I wanted to be his, that was all I ever wanted from a guy was to treat me that way. I wanted my man to be honest, sweet, and faithful. He was all three and more. D was too, but I could not rely on him to always be there. He had too many issues of his own to handle, without mine. And plus he shut me out, that was his choice. I had to suck it up, and realize he didn't want me. J accepted me for who I was, and slowly picked up all the pieces of my shattered heart one by one. He made me feel freedom, and happiness again. I did want to be his. He was my hand to hold to lead me out of the darkness that surrounded me, and honestly I think I was that hand for him as well. We helped each other in any way we knew how. He explained why he told me he would never date me, and he said it was just a reflex. He was trying not to get attached since I liked someone. And I explained with a similar reason why I acted so mean to him. We both understood, and forgave each other. A knot loosened in my stomach. We could move on now. I think it was around September 15th when he finally asked me to hang out in person. He asked if I wanted to go to the movies with him and his two guy friends A and B. I agreed nervously, and we made our plans for Friday night.
   Fast forward to Friday night. I paced my room back and forth, left and right, to my drawers, to my closet, under my bed, everywhere. Those unfamiliar butterflies filled my stomach once again, my mind was racing. I needed to look nice, and I wanted to look nice. For him. Finally I was satisfied with my outfit of my best fitting jeans, Uggs, and white tank top with a black jacket. It would have to do. My hair was still wet when I walked out the door. I tried my best to scrunch it as I picked up my bag, shoved money in my pocket, and texted J telling him I was on my way and not to panic. Shit I was going to be late. My mom rushed me to the theatre, and I ran inside. The lobby was PACKED. I could barely even breathe, there were so many people. And almost all of them were my age. I stood on my tip toes to try to search the crowd for J and his friends. I had never seen him in person before, and I had only seen the one picture he had on Facebook from his freshman year. Recognizing him was not an easy task. I finally decided it was best to stay in one place, and text him. I sat down on a nearby bench, and asked him where he was, and he quickly replied "On our way". My heart leapt into my throat when I felt the vibrate of my phone from that text. My butterflies were going wild. This was it, I was going to finally "meet" this guy who I had grown to care for so much these past few weeks. Every time a person walked through those doors my heart skipped a beat. My hands started to shake, and my breathing picked up the pace. Wow, I haven't felt like this since well D... Finally three guys walked in, first A, I recognized him from pictures. Then B, who I also knew from pictures. And then there he was.
To Be Continued:

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