Sunday, January 13, 2013

Searching for my light in the darkness.

   The next 4 days I spent thinking. I ignored all texts, and calls from N. I needed to think on my own with no interruptions. I thought about the pros and cons of D and of N. D was the overall better choice for me. He treated me like a girl should be treated, was sweet, honest, and trustworthy. All things N was not. I couldn't take back what I had given N, but D was right. That didn't mean I had to stay with him and be miserable for the rest of my life. I had been trying to contact D for the past four days as well,  but he was nowhere to be found. He wouldn't answer my messages, and by that time he got a phone, so of course I text bombed him. Still no answer, something wasn't right. I decided I needed to get this over with sooner rather than later. I called N, the phone rang and rang, no answer. Where was everyone at? I left a voicemail on his phone saying I needed to talk to him, and hung up. I called him at least 9 more times that day, and left him texts. No answer. I was starting to get mad, he had disappeared like that before, but never for that long. Then that's when I got the call from Ni telling me that N had been cheating on me from the start. Everything made sense now. Then I texted N saying it was over. Almost immediately I got the sob story texts. I was so sick of his lies. I deleted his number out of my phone, and that was it. It was finally over, I felt a wave of relief and relaxation rush through me. Now I needed to get a hold of D.
   For weeks and weeks I tried to get in contact with him. I was so desperate to find him. I listened to him, and I broke up with N to be with him, he needed to know. He wasn't posting on Facebook, or answering anyone else. It was like he vanished off the face of the earth. My body felt so numb, the pain from the breakup was still fresh in my heart. I needed D, I needed to be in his arms, I needed him to tell me that I was his, and everything was going to be okay. My best friend, whom I loved with all my heart was gone. The fiery pit which I called my life surrounded me completely, my safe zone, my firefighter, my rescuer was gone. I didn't know what to do anymore, I was basically depressed for about 2 months. After so long I couldn't take it anymore, I needed to see him, now.
   I lied and told my mom that D was meeting me at the coffee shop so she would drop me off. I quickly checked Facebook for a message before I left, and I saw that he had blocked me so I couldn't see anything on his page anymore. Then I tried texting him telling him that I was coming to see him, and my message wouldn't send. It said it was an invalid number. I was completely confused. I had no idea what was going on. But I pushed that all aside, I was going to go to the shop anyway, I knew he worked there and that guaranteed that I would see him.
   It was a Friday night, the shop was packed. I could barely squeeze in between the huge crowd. There was a band playing, and I could barely hear myself think. I worked my way to the bar, and managed to find a bar stool up against the wall to sit on. I ordered a raspberry smoothie, and quickly scanned behind the counter to see if I could see him. Then all of a sudden I saw him, he was engulfed in his work, not looking at anyone. A hint of a frown was etched on his face, and he looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. What happened to my D? He looked at the reciept with my order on it, and any type of happiness on his face vanished. It was replaced with panic, and excitement. His eyes swept over the sea of people, looking for me. Finally his eyes met mine, he stared only for a second, then turned to walk away. He went over to his manager, covered his mouth, and whispered something in his ear. Then his manager's lips mashed into a straight line, and his brow furrowed. His eyes burned into me, he made me feel so unwelcome. I looked down at the counter to avoid his gaze, only to peek up slightly to see D walk out the back door to our spot. I took that as a sign, and followed, leaving my smoothie on the counter.
   I found him sitting on the steps with his face in his hands. He heard my footsteps, and turned around to look at me. This wasn't the same D I knew, he looked different. I sat beside him, and I could see his body tense. Seeing him act this way around me hurt me so bad. He was the first to say something. "Why did you come to see me?" he said without a hint of emotion in voice. "I needed to see you, I have so much I needed to tell you, but you vanished for 2 months. How could you do that to me? You didn't even explain why. You promised me you would never leave me, and I promised you I would never leave you, we had a deal". He just stared into my eyes, he didn't say a word. The intensity of his usually soft chocolate brown eyes made me squirm in my skin. I had never felt this unwelcome, and uncomfortable around him before. I broke the silence, "I broke up with him for you. That was what I needed to tell you. You were right about everything as always". His head dropped back into his hands. "Do you know how long I waited for you? I waited 6 months for you to break up with him for me. It's a little late now" he snapped, his head still in his hands. "I didn't even know you had feelings for me up until right before you disappeared!" I snapped back. "D, I came here to find you, I love you, and I need you in my life no matter what we are, friends, boyfriend and girlfriend, or husband and wife. Don't you see that? You are the glue that holds me together, and keeps me from falling apart to pieces". Finally he had a reply. He said "H, I love you too, but I can't now. I have too much going on in my life for a girlfriend right now. You still mean the world to me, but I need to establish a relationship with my real parents before I can commit to a relationship with you. It's killing me inside not being allowed to see them, I hate living with these people". His words ripped open the few wounds that had managed to heal on my heart. The little progress I made after N was destroyed. I was back to square one.
   He promised he would work on himself so he could be with me, but he said he couldn't tell me how long it would take for that to happen. I had no choice but to wait, I needed him, and he was worth the wait. So what ended up happening, is that D re-blocked me on every social networking site known to man. He blocked my number so I couldn't text or call him anymore. He shut me out completely, and refused to talk to me. Through the numbness in my body, I felt stabs of pain in my chest. I spiraled down and down into darkness. I was so heartbroken, the person who I talked to about these things wouldn't respond to me, and from the looks of it he hated me. I was lost.
   Now I'm going to fast forward through time, because the ending to D's story intertwines with how I met J. But I am going to leave out everything with J because that is for a later post:) So fast forward another month after I had last seen D at the coffee shop. It was the towards the end of September, and I heard through the grapevine that D had run away from home to go live with his biological parents. I was shocked, that was not like D at all. I was so worried about him, and prayed that he would be okay on his own, and back with that family that had hurt him so much. I was mad at him that he didn't tell me he was going to pull something so drastic like that, I wished he would have so I could've talked him out of it. The numbness in my body was eventually replaced with frustration, and anger. I at least expected D to involve me in his search for this relationship with his parents. I had helped him with plenty of situations like that before, and he always came to me with them, no questions asked. I went on Facebook, and added like 5 guys off of D's friends list to try to make him jealous. I know it was childish, and wouldn't work, but I was so mad I didn't care. I wasn't even looking to start a relationship with any of those guys, or even talk to them, it was just an action to show my anger. Well one of those guys messaged me back, his name was J.
   And now fast forward 3 more months, J and I were dating at this point. And things were absolutely perfect, D never even crossed my mind. I hadn't spoken to him since that night at the coffee shop. Then one night I get this call from a number I had never seen before. I answered thinking it was one of my friends, and I hear D's voice on the other end. My heart fell through the floor, and my body tensed. After all this time, now he wants to be back in my life. I was furious. He gushed and told me how he found his real parents, and they were happy to see him, he said he had gotten to know them better, and does understand why he was taken away in the first place, but he said he could handle it better now that he was older. I stayed silent, this was not the time for this anymore. He said he wanted me back in his life, and that he was ready for a relationship. My stomach was in knots. I continued to tell him that while he vanished from my life for almost 6 months, I had moved on to someone who was there for me, and treated me well, and that I was happy. I didn't hear one sound from the other end. Complete silence. "Who?" he finally choked out. I told him if he really cared he could unblock me on Facebook, and find it there. He said "I understand you're mad at me, and you deserve to be, but please give me a chance". "D, I can't, you left me when I needed you most, you gave me mixed signals, and who is to say if we dated you wouldn't leave me again? You have become very unreliable recently, I need someone who will always be there for me, and I need someone who can include me in their feelings and thoughts, not shut me out when they actually need me". He asked if we could at least still be best friends again, knots formed in my stomach again. J had gone to school with D, and he hated him. They had issues from way back, that I wasn't aware of until I met J. "We can try, but it won't be the same" I replied softly. And that is how we hung up. I mentioned it all to J, and he disapproved highly. He said "H, what if he smooth talks his way back in your heart, and persuades you to leave me like he did with you and N?" I reassured him by saying N was a completely different person than he was, and it wouldn't happen.
   Fast forward 2 more months. D and I didn't remain friends, I tried 100%, but he said he couldn't be just my friend, and gave up because he didn't want to ruin my relationship. I missed talking to him, and I did miss our friendship, but I let him go, I didn't want to hurt him any further than I already had. And seeing him hurt, hurt me. One night around 4am I woke up to a phone call from yet another strange number, I picked up to hear D crying on the other end. I had never heard him cry before in my whole time of knowing him. He told me he couldn't live without me, and he needed to be with me more than friends, he said it was killing him, and the pain was too unbearable. He said he was considering killing himself. Panic immediately flooded every vein in my body, I spoke so fast I don't even know if you could understand me. I begged him to think about his future, everyone who loved him, and how much he had going for him, I tried to persuade him he had a reason to live. "D, you promised me you wouldn't leave me again. This counts as leaving me". His voice softened, and he agreed. I sighed a breath of relief, after 2 hours on the phone with him, I had managed to calm him down enough to be sensible. I was exhausted. We said our goodnights, and went to bed.
   About a month or two ago, he texted me saying he was in some trouble, and he had started to cut himself. He said it relieved all the pain he had, and eased the hate he had for his life. He told me one night he cut himself so badly that he had to go to a hospital to stop the bleeding. Going against J's liking, I texted him back to show my support, and told him I'd be here if he needed me, but I couldn't help but feel like it was my fault. I broke him just as badly as he had broken me. I felt responsible for driving him to that point. Not sure if it really is my fault, but that is how I feel.
   Now to this day, I haven't spoken to D again. He has gone missing like he always does. I am not blocked on anything anymore, but he no longer posts on Facebook, twitter, whatever you can think of. His friends haven't been saying anything about him besides I miss you, he quit his job at the coffee shop, and he took up singing/voiceovers. That's how I heard his voice after all that time. But he is completely gone, no traces of him. He hasn't posted any more songs on his site. He remains a mystery. My mom and I both think that he was admitted to some sort of hospital to handle his self harm issues. His friends on Facebook just say they miss him and stuff like always. Nothing from D. I won't lie to you all, I do still have feelings for him, but not in that way anymore, more like a close long lost friend. I love J with everything I have inside me, he is my world. But I will always care for D's well-being, and I do miss our friendship. J is my best friend hands down, but like I said that connection we had is indescribable. No girl friend I have here at home could even compete with that. I am just thankful I got to have him in my life.
Here is the painting he painted "because of me" It is a bleeding heart covered in barbed wire, with vines growing on it. He painted this shortly after I told him I had moved on:

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