Saturday, January 19, 2013

Uncovered feelings.

   There he was, he was dressed in loosely fitting jeans that fell of the top of his hips, and a grey school soccer t-shirt. He was laughing about something one of his friends had said. Oh that smile, it made my heart flutter. His eyes scanned the room looking for me, then his gaze met mine. A knot formed in my stomach, and I caught a glimpse of his little smile before I looked down at my phone and bag nervously. When I looked back up he was gone, woah where did he go? I made my way to the front counter, seeing his two friends A and B behind a few other people in line. I squeezed my way through the crowd, and then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see J smiling at me, holding two tickets. "I already covered us both" he said smiling that gorgeous smile. I frowned immediately, I didn't want him to pay for me. I reached into my pocket, fished out a 10 dollar bill, and offered it to him. He shook his head and said, "No, don't worry about it" He looked down nervously, and started walking to his friends who were waiting for us at the beginning of the hallway. I followed closely behind, not wanting to lose him with all the people here. I noticed his two friends were walking strangely. The had their legs spread apart, and swung each leg out to side one at a time. I pointed to their backs and turned to face him with a questioning look as we walked down the hall. He smiled, and whispered in my ear that they had snuck in some Taco Bell, and that's why they were late. I asked where they had it hidden, and he said he had the food in their pants, and that's why they were walking like that. I couldn't help but laugh. And he smiled in return.
   We walked into the theatre, and made our way all the way up to the very back left corner of the room. I took the seat closest to the wall, J sat next to me, then B, then A. My stomach was in complete knots, my butterflies were doing triples, and my head was spinning. I was so nervous, and I had no idea why. Maybe it was because he wasn't as talkative as he normally was, maybe because he was so so much cuter than I had thought. I don't know, but he had an effect on me that no other person had on me before besides D. And honestly, I think this connection was stronger. Despite the nerves, I felt like I had known him for forever already. I caught him peeking over at me, and he smiled and turned to say something to B acting as though he wasn't even paying attention to me. He looked and acted just as nervous as I was, his cheeks were bright pink, and you could tell he was trying to play his cool game. I didn't even know what movie we were seeing until I looked at my ticket. It was some horror movie. Okay good, I loved scary movies. A and B squirmed in their seats trying to get the Taco Bell out of their jeans without harm to them or the tacos. I giggled, and turned to watch the screen. These guys seemed fun to be around, they made me laugh without even trying. After the movie had started, we found out that the movie actually sucked. It was so boring, and not scary at all. I peeked over J to see what A and B were up to. They had curled up in their seats and had fallen asleep at that point. I laughed, I couldn't believe they actually fell asleep. J watched my every move, judging my mood, and I could tell he was trying to read me. My eyes started to get heavy, and finally I yawned, the movie actually started to make me tired too, it really did suck. My head raced with thoughts, I contemplated going to sleep too, but I didn't want J to feel like I was bored with him. But was it a good idea to lean on him and sleep? Did I want to establish that kind of connection with him? If I allowed myself to fall for him, and for him to fall for me, there was no going back. D would have to be out of the picture for me. I was brought back to reality by J sliding down in his seat, and scootching closer to me. Hmm, he made a move. I pushed any thoughts of D out of my head, J made me happy, I wanted him in my life. This sounds cheesy, but honestly I think I fell for him the second I saw him come through that door. My decision was made.
   I slid down in my chair, and leaned towards him, putting my head on his shoulder. His body tensed at first, but quickly relaxed and moved so I would be more comfortable, but he didn't put his arm around me. My body relaxed, and the knots in my stomach loosened immediately. I felt so comfortable with him, he made me feel so safe. I fell asleep shortly after. J's movement woke me up, he had shifted up, and he gently put his hand on my arm in attempt to wake me. I glanced at the screen, and I noticed the movie was over, and credits were rolling. I sat up, trying to straighten myself up. I couldn't believe I fell asleep too. I looked at J, and he smiled at me, his cheeks pinker than ever.
   We walked out to the lobby, and I said goodbye to A and B. J said he had something to tell me once I got home. I laughed, "Why can't you just tell me now, I'm right here?". He pointed to A and B and said "I'll text you about it in the car". He sat with me until my mom came to pick me up, then we said goodbye, and we went our separate ways. We started texting each other as soon as we were on our way home. I giggled to myself, the conversation flowed like normal when we texted, but not in person. Any nervousness I had felt was gone, and actually we were both more open with each other now that we had met. I smiled at every text he sent me. The big news he couldn't wait to tell me was that he wanted to warn me about his friend B because B had told him in the theatre that "Man, if you don't get that it's all me". He said he was kind of a player, and he just wanted me to know. I laughed, he was jealous already, and we weren't even dating. I smiled, he was cute. I went to bed happy that night. J made me so happy, he made me laugh, smile, and feel things I thought I would never be able to feel again. He rekindled those feelings I had buried months ago. I wondered if I go actually go through with this, maybe I could have a relationship with J, be more than friends. I felt a smile form on my lips. We'll see how this goes. All I knew was that I wanted to be a part of J's life, and I wanted him to be a part of mine.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

My hand to hold.

   The next morning, I went through my usual routine, check my phone, get ready for school, go to school, and soccer practice, then I came home. I usually don't pay attention to my phone during school, so by the time I was all nestled in my bed, I checked my phone again. And of course there was a text from J. So my coldness didn't drive him away, interesting. He told me he had just got home from his soccer practice, and asked what was up. I had nothing else to do, so I answered back. I told him I had just gotten home too, and asked him the same. He said he was sitting on the porch talking with his grandpa. I digested his words carefully, 'Awh' I thought. I wondered if this was him actually being honest with me or if he was trying to sound so sweet on purpose. We played more question games. For almost the first month of knowing each other, that was how we talked. We would take turns picking topics or questions to ask the other. We asked normal questions at first like what our favorite fruit was and stuff like that. But after so long he threw a curveball question, he asked me if I had a boyfriend because "he didn't want to cause any trouble with him if I did". Was this guy for real? A guy who actually cared if a girl was seeing anyone or not? He didn't even seem like a real person, he seemed too good to be true. I thought he must be faking all this. He is just another N. But he asked a red zone question, this is not where I wanted our conversation to end up. How do I even answer that question? No I'm single, but I'm crazy in love with someone who refuses to talk to me, but supposedly loves me too. Does that mean I do have a boyfriend? I tried to explain the short story the best I could. "Uhm no, but I kind of have feelings for this guy I'm trying to talk to, but I don't think he likes me the same way back, but I can still be your friend". His cool, and calm mood vanished. His texts became blunt like mine, he acted like he had just asked me to be his girlfriend and I shot him down. "Oh I didn't mean it like that, I would never date you, I just don't want trouble with another guy" he answered harshly. Ouch, what an ass. I just didn't want to hurt his feelings if that was what he meant, there was no need to answer like that. And that is exactly what I said. He said he didn't mean it to be mean, he said I took it the wrong way. But I knew he was just mad that I liked someone else. Alright, enough of that I thought, if he was going to be like that I wasn't even going to mess with him anymore. I was starting to get too attached anyway. Back to doing me, other people were too much work. I glanced at the clock, it was almost 12am. I turned off my phone without replying, threw it on the floor, and went to bed.
   The next day was a Saturday, and I woke up around my usual weekend schedule of 1pm. I checked my phone to see 4 texts from J apologizing, he said he didn't mean to offend me, and that wasn't what he meant. I stood by my decision to not get involved with him, and I completely ignored him for four days straight. He sent me at least one text a day, sometimes two. One telling me good morning, and one  saying "Hey". He was starting to really annoy me. Later on one night, I was doing my homework right before bed, and my ADD kicked in, and I took a break to go peek around on Facebook. This kid named I sent me a message. I thought it may have been another one of those guys I added, and I quickly scanned over the message. "Hey, so how come you stopped texting my boy J? He's sleeping over at my house right now, and was just telling me about you" Then about 5 seconds later I got a text from J saying "Hey sorry don't listen to him, I didn't know he was actually going to say something to you" I smiled, this was kind of funny and kind of cute. He was actually upset that I stopped talking to him, and was venting to his friend about me at his man-sleepover. Waves of thoughts invaded my mind, what if he really did like me? He actually cared enough about me to miss talking to me, even though I treated him so badly. But waves of pain also came with those thoughts. I wanted more than anything to be this guys friend, who knows maybe something more, but I was so scared of getting hurt. Could I trust this guy? This was a big step for me. Yes I think I could trust him. In my eyes he proved himself to be honest and trustworthy enough to talk to. The tightening pain that had encompassed my heart for so long finally let up. I felt good, to trust someone again. To talk to someone, and be able to laugh without forcing myself. I felt happy for the first time in a long time.
   J and I grew closer and closer over the next few days, we slowly became best friends. He cared just as much about me as D did, if not more. I didn't feel the magnetic connection I felt with D, but I didn't care. I was so happy. There was no longer a "red zone" for questions. We talked about anything and everything. The topic that sparked my interest was our past. I discovered he had majorly dated two girls. His first one was in 7th grade, and she cheated on him by going on the way with another boy. I was shocked, he didn't go all the way at that point, but 7th grade just seemed so young to be doing that stuff! His second girlfriend was almost a year before he started talking to me. He did go all the way with her, it was his first but not hers. Surprise surprise, we had yet another thing in common. But he broke up with her because in his words "she went crazy". He said she made up that they had a baby, and were married, and weird stuff, but she actually believed it. Like she babysat this kid, and pretended it was theirs kinda thing. Woah okay, wasn't expecting that. So he was hurt also, he confided in my that he has a lot of trust issues. He was preaching to the choir. I didn't really want to tell him about my past exes, but he insisted I told him. He was mortified, he said he couldn't believe someone would treat me like that. He said he was sorry, and that if I were his girlfriend he would never do that to me. Oh really? I couldn't help but smile at the words on my phone, coming from this guy I had never seen in person. I think I wanted to be his, that was all I ever wanted from a guy was to treat me that way. I wanted my man to be honest, sweet, and faithful. He was all three and more. D was too, but I could not rely on him to always be there. He had too many issues of his own to handle, without mine. And plus he shut me out, that was his choice. I had to suck it up, and realize he didn't want me. J accepted me for who I was, and slowly picked up all the pieces of my shattered heart one by one. He made me feel freedom, and happiness again. I did want to be his. He was my hand to hold to lead me out of the darkness that surrounded me, and honestly I think I was that hand for him as well. We helped each other in any way we knew how. He explained why he told me he would never date me, and he said it was just a reflex. He was trying not to get attached since I liked someone. And I explained with a similar reason why I acted so mean to him. We both understood, and forgave each other. A knot loosened in my stomach. We could move on now. I think it was around September 15th when he finally asked me to hang out in person. He asked if I wanted to go to the movies with him and his two guy friends A and B. I agreed nervously, and we made our plans for Friday night.
   Fast forward to Friday night. I paced my room back and forth, left and right, to my drawers, to my closet, under my bed, everywhere. Those unfamiliar butterflies filled my stomach once again, my mind was racing. I needed to look nice, and I wanted to look nice. For him. Finally I was satisfied with my outfit of my best fitting jeans, Uggs, and white tank top with a black jacket. It would have to do. My hair was still wet when I walked out the door. I tried my best to scrunch it as I picked up my bag, shoved money in my pocket, and texted J telling him I was on my way and not to panic. Shit I was going to be late. My mom rushed me to the theatre, and I ran inside. The lobby was PACKED. I could barely even breathe, there were so many people. And almost all of them were my age. I stood on my tip toes to try to search the crowd for J and his friends. I had never seen him in person before, and I had only seen the one picture he had on Facebook from his freshman year. Recognizing him was not an easy task. I finally decided it was best to stay in one place, and text him. I sat down on a nearby bench, and asked him where he was, and he quickly replied "On our way". My heart leapt into my throat when I felt the vibrate of my phone from that text. My butterflies were going wild. This was it, I was going to finally "meet" this guy who I had grown to care for so much these past few weeks. Every time a person walked through those doors my heart skipped a beat. My hands started to shake, and my breathing picked up the pace. Wow, I haven't felt like this since well D... Finally three guys walked in, first A, I recognized him from pictures. Then B, who I also knew from pictures. And then there he was.
To Be Continued:

Monday, January 14, 2013

Layers of ice.

I'm going to explain things more in detail with J, and I'm going to tell different stories that have happened in our relationship so far. Because our relationship is an ongoing story:) So I might post things out of order, but I'll try to keep things as straight as I can. I'll start off at the beginning and work my way up to now:)
   It was about a month since I had seen D or heard from him directly. (About mid September if I remember right) To me it seemed like he was done with me, and a part of me didn't blame him. I was stupid for not listening to him in the first place. But we are both at fault, but I don't dwell on what could've been. I am happy where I am, and wouldn't trade it for anything<3 I heard the news about D running away without contacting me, and the anger quickly replaced the pain in my heart. I tried to shut him out like he did to me, but I couldn't no matter how hard I tried. He was constantly running through my mind, and waves of pain were still noticeable mixed in with the anger. I was so worried, heartbroken, and still in love. At that point I had honestly lost all hope in guys. I was done, I was done with everything. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone. The two people I gave my full hearted trust to, broke my heart to pieces. And before D and N, I had "talked" to 3 other guys.
   I had my first boyfriend during my freshman year, I think I was about 13. I don't even know if you want to call it a relationship, but I had my first kiss with him, and I was so young that I acted myself around him, I gave him me. And 4 months later he broke up with me for a reason I never had found out, and we didn't even speak to each other until this year. Strike one. Next I talked to a guy for literally a week, I didn't even date him, or let alone kiss him. But he ended it because he said I was a nice girl, and he wasn't looking for that, and didn't want to hurt me. I do respect him for that, but still, strike two. Then after that, only a little while before I met N, this guy named K lied to me and told me we were dating. He tried to get me to send him provocative pictures of myself to him, and when I refused he got mad and told me everything. That he didn't care about me, used me, and was talking to several other girls. Strike three. Then of course I met N, who was my breaking point. He didn't want a nice girl either, but he decided to follow through anyway and try to change me into what he wanted me to be, but in the process he destroyed me completely. Strike four. Then there was D, the hurt I felt from him was indescribable. He tore up any shred of trust I had for the male species. I was completely done.
   My numbness remained, and the pain turned to anger, which I channeled mostly at D. One night I was so frustrated that I logged onto Facebook, and creeped on his page. Nothing new of course, he was missing like always. I looked at his friends list, and thought about his relationship with each of those people, how much he knew them, if he had a connection with them like he did with me. I quickly pushed those thoughts away knowing it would bring back the hurt. I knew D was the jealous type so I started randomly adding guys from his friends list. By the end of the night I picked about 5 to add. I know it was immature, but I had no contact with him, and I felt like that was an action that would be permanent, and he would see eventually. I had no interest in any of the guys I added, I honestly didn't even care if they added me back. It was just a way to vent my frustration. I was just about to log out when I saw a little red notification pop up in my messages slot. The unfamiliar feeling of butterflies filled my stomach, immediately thinking it was D, I opened it right up and read as quickly as I could.
   My heart sank. It was just from one of those guys I added. I double checked to see exactly who it was, I didn't even remember who I added. His name was J, he was from the same school as D, one grade above me, and I didn't really pay attention much, but I noticed he was pretty cute. Irritation tingled through my body as I read his message, and debated whether or not to reply. He said "Hey do I know you?". I thought I could get rid of him by replying back "Nope, just looking for some new friends. I'm pretty harmless, promise." I was very wrong. He messaged me back again, and said he noticed I played soccer. Shit he wanted to talk. I gave him very general answers hoping he would get bored with me. But I did I notice we actually had a lot in common. I got more into the conversation as we talked a little more. I started to ask more of the questions after so long, I could tell he was shy, and wasn't usually a conversation starter. He finally said he was getting off the computer, and he said I could text him if I wanted to keep talking. A red flag shot up in my head, oh no, this is how all relationships start. You text for a while, then you get to know them, then you meet up, then you fall in love, then they leave you. At least, that was the relationship I knew. The familiar sting of pain burned deep down in the pit of my stomach. I didn't know what to do. I actually was kind of having fun talking to this random guy, and he was really nice. I was torn, I felt backed up in a corner already, and he had no idea what was even going on with me.
   He left his number in a message (included was a smiley face), and I typed quickly giving him mine, not intending to text him. I needed to separate myself from him, I couldn't bear to have someone else hurt me. I was getting too close, and I didn't want to fall for him. I refused to let myself feel anything even friendship. I honestly think that was how I acted with everyone at that point in my life, I was afraid to have relationships of any kind with people. I literally just shut down. I took a shower to help relieve the tension that had managed to build up in my muscles. The water rushing over me felt so good, to just relax, and let go of everything for that brief period of time made me feel free from the cage of pain I trapped myself in. I got dressed in my comfiest pair of sweats and a cami I owned, and crawled into bed. I did my daily check of my texts to see if there was anything from D. Nothing, but there was a text from J. I sighed, that was not the name I wanted to see on my phone. He texted me saying a simple "Hey:p". He seemed so innocent, and I envied his confidence to put himself out there like that. But I put myself back in my position to see how stupid that was, that I could hurt him at any moment, and how often that happened to me. I've learned now that that's what a relationship is, you give everything you have to someone you think deserves it, and if they love you back, they will respect your weaknesses, and build you up higher, also giving themselves completely to you, trusting you will do the same.
   I texted back surprisingly, his openness with me drew me in. I don't know, he was different for some reason. He absolutely sucked at starting a conversation though. I started playing 20 questions just so we could have something to talk about. But he had no problem talking once I asked a question. And his answers blew my mind, he was so sweet, honest, and family-oriented. Every answer he gave was so kind, and completely different than any guy in my school answers would sound like. He was not the usual player, cool boy type I was used to and expected (minus D). Already at that moment, I think I started to have feelings for him. I ignored the fact that we clicked together almost immediately, as another red flag popped up in the front of my mind, ceasing all progressing thoughts of this guy. I was too close, way way too close. I needed to distance myself NOW. I checked the clock, it was almost 3 in the morning. Woah, where did the time go? I told him I was falling asleep, and I would talk to him another time. Completely not noticing my blunt, cold reply, he sweetly told me goodnight, and to text him tomorrow as long as I wanted. A layer of ice melted off my heart. I didn't understand how he could be so nice when I was purposely acting like a bitch, and pushing him away as hard as I could. But in a way I didn't want to push him away, I was torn 50/50. I was just scared, and I didn't want him, I wanted D, I promised I would wait for him. My D was still out there somewhere.
To Be Continued:

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Searching for my light in the darkness.

   The next 4 days I spent thinking. I ignored all texts, and calls from N. I needed to think on my own with no interruptions. I thought about the pros and cons of D and of N. D was the overall better choice for me. He treated me like a girl should be treated, was sweet, honest, and trustworthy. All things N was not. I couldn't take back what I had given N, but D was right. That didn't mean I had to stay with him and be miserable for the rest of my life. I had been trying to contact D for the past four days as well,  but he was nowhere to be found. He wouldn't answer my messages, and by that time he got a phone, so of course I text bombed him. Still no answer, something wasn't right. I decided I needed to get this over with sooner rather than later. I called N, the phone rang and rang, no answer. Where was everyone at? I left a voicemail on his phone saying I needed to talk to him, and hung up. I called him at least 9 more times that day, and left him texts. No answer. I was starting to get mad, he had disappeared like that before, but never for that long. Then that's when I got the call from Ni telling me that N had been cheating on me from the start. Everything made sense now. Then I texted N saying it was over. Almost immediately I got the sob story texts. I was so sick of his lies. I deleted his number out of my phone, and that was it. It was finally over, I felt a wave of relief and relaxation rush through me. Now I needed to get a hold of D.
   For weeks and weeks I tried to get in contact with him. I was so desperate to find him. I listened to him, and I broke up with N to be with him, he needed to know. He wasn't posting on Facebook, or answering anyone else. It was like he vanished off the face of the earth. My body felt so numb, the pain from the breakup was still fresh in my heart. I needed D, I needed to be in his arms, I needed him to tell me that I was his, and everything was going to be okay. My best friend, whom I loved with all my heart was gone. The fiery pit which I called my life surrounded me completely, my safe zone, my firefighter, my rescuer was gone. I didn't know what to do anymore, I was basically depressed for about 2 months. After so long I couldn't take it anymore, I needed to see him, now.
   I lied and told my mom that D was meeting me at the coffee shop so she would drop me off. I quickly checked Facebook for a message before I left, and I saw that he had blocked me so I couldn't see anything on his page anymore. Then I tried texting him telling him that I was coming to see him, and my message wouldn't send. It said it was an invalid number. I was completely confused. I had no idea what was going on. But I pushed that all aside, I was going to go to the shop anyway, I knew he worked there and that guaranteed that I would see him.
   It was a Friday night, the shop was packed. I could barely squeeze in between the huge crowd. There was a band playing, and I could barely hear myself think. I worked my way to the bar, and managed to find a bar stool up against the wall to sit on. I ordered a raspberry smoothie, and quickly scanned behind the counter to see if I could see him. Then all of a sudden I saw him, he was engulfed in his work, not looking at anyone. A hint of a frown was etched on his face, and he looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. What happened to my D? He looked at the reciept with my order on it, and any type of happiness on his face vanished. It was replaced with panic, and excitement. His eyes swept over the sea of people, looking for me. Finally his eyes met mine, he stared only for a second, then turned to walk away. He went over to his manager, covered his mouth, and whispered something in his ear. Then his manager's lips mashed into a straight line, and his brow furrowed. His eyes burned into me, he made me feel so unwelcome. I looked down at the counter to avoid his gaze, only to peek up slightly to see D walk out the back door to our spot. I took that as a sign, and followed, leaving my smoothie on the counter.
   I found him sitting on the steps with his face in his hands. He heard my footsteps, and turned around to look at me. This wasn't the same D I knew, he looked different. I sat beside him, and I could see his body tense. Seeing him act this way around me hurt me so bad. He was the first to say something. "Why did you come to see me?" he said without a hint of emotion in voice. "I needed to see you, I have so much I needed to tell you, but you vanished for 2 months. How could you do that to me? You didn't even explain why. You promised me you would never leave me, and I promised you I would never leave you, we had a deal". He just stared into my eyes, he didn't say a word. The intensity of his usually soft chocolate brown eyes made me squirm in my skin. I had never felt this unwelcome, and uncomfortable around him before. I broke the silence, "I broke up with him for you. That was what I needed to tell you. You were right about everything as always". His head dropped back into his hands. "Do you know how long I waited for you? I waited 6 months for you to break up with him for me. It's a little late now" he snapped, his head still in his hands. "I didn't even know you had feelings for me up until right before you disappeared!" I snapped back. "D, I came here to find you, I love you, and I need you in my life no matter what we are, friends, boyfriend and girlfriend, or husband and wife. Don't you see that? You are the glue that holds me together, and keeps me from falling apart to pieces". Finally he had a reply. He said "H, I love you too, but I can't now. I have too much going on in my life for a girlfriend right now. You still mean the world to me, but I need to establish a relationship with my real parents before I can commit to a relationship with you. It's killing me inside not being allowed to see them, I hate living with these people". His words ripped open the few wounds that had managed to heal on my heart. The little progress I made after N was destroyed. I was back to square one.
   He promised he would work on himself so he could be with me, but he said he couldn't tell me how long it would take for that to happen. I had no choice but to wait, I needed him, and he was worth the wait. So what ended up happening, is that D re-blocked me on every social networking site known to man. He blocked my number so I couldn't text or call him anymore. He shut me out completely, and refused to talk to me. Through the numbness in my body, I felt stabs of pain in my chest. I spiraled down and down into darkness. I was so heartbroken, the person who I talked to about these things wouldn't respond to me, and from the looks of it he hated me. I was lost.
   Now I'm going to fast forward through time, because the ending to D's story intertwines with how I met J. But I am going to leave out everything with J because that is for a later post:) So fast forward another month after I had last seen D at the coffee shop. It was the towards the end of September, and I heard through the grapevine that D had run away from home to go live with his biological parents. I was shocked, that was not like D at all. I was so worried about him, and prayed that he would be okay on his own, and back with that family that had hurt him so much. I was mad at him that he didn't tell me he was going to pull something so drastic like that, I wished he would have so I could've talked him out of it. The numbness in my body was eventually replaced with frustration, and anger. I at least expected D to involve me in his search for this relationship with his parents. I had helped him with plenty of situations like that before, and he always came to me with them, no questions asked. I went on Facebook, and added like 5 guys off of D's friends list to try to make him jealous. I know it was childish, and wouldn't work, but I was so mad I didn't care. I wasn't even looking to start a relationship with any of those guys, or even talk to them, it was just an action to show my anger. Well one of those guys messaged me back, his name was J.
   And now fast forward 3 more months, J and I were dating at this point. And things were absolutely perfect, D never even crossed my mind. I hadn't spoken to him since that night at the coffee shop. Then one night I get this call from a number I had never seen before. I answered thinking it was one of my friends, and I hear D's voice on the other end. My heart fell through the floor, and my body tensed. After all this time, now he wants to be back in my life. I was furious. He gushed and told me how he found his real parents, and they were happy to see him, he said he had gotten to know them better, and does understand why he was taken away in the first place, but he said he could handle it better now that he was older. I stayed silent, this was not the time for this anymore. He said he wanted me back in his life, and that he was ready for a relationship. My stomach was in knots. I continued to tell him that while he vanished from my life for almost 6 months, I had moved on to someone who was there for me, and treated me well, and that I was happy. I didn't hear one sound from the other end. Complete silence. "Who?" he finally choked out. I told him if he really cared he could unblock me on Facebook, and find it there. He said "I understand you're mad at me, and you deserve to be, but please give me a chance". "D, I can't, you left me when I needed you most, you gave me mixed signals, and who is to say if we dated you wouldn't leave me again? You have become very unreliable recently, I need someone who will always be there for me, and I need someone who can include me in their feelings and thoughts, not shut me out when they actually need me". He asked if we could at least still be best friends again, knots formed in my stomach again. J had gone to school with D, and he hated him. They had issues from way back, that I wasn't aware of until I met J. "We can try, but it won't be the same" I replied softly. And that is how we hung up. I mentioned it all to J, and he disapproved highly. He said "H, what if he smooth talks his way back in your heart, and persuades you to leave me like he did with you and N?" I reassured him by saying N was a completely different person than he was, and it wouldn't happen.
   Fast forward 2 more months. D and I didn't remain friends, I tried 100%, but he said he couldn't be just my friend, and gave up because he didn't want to ruin my relationship. I missed talking to him, and I did miss our friendship, but I let him go, I didn't want to hurt him any further than I already had. And seeing him hurt, hurt me. One night around 4am I woke up to a phone call from yet another strange number, I picked up to hear D crying on the other end. I had never heard him cry before in my whole time of knowing him. He told me he couldn't live without me, and he needed to be with me more than friends, he said it was killing him, and the pain was too unbearable. He said he was considering killing himself. Panic immediately flooded every vein in my body, I spoke so fast I don't even know if you could understand me. I begged him to think about his future, everyone who loved him, and how much he had going for him, I tried to persuade him he had a reason to live. "D, you promised me you wouldn't leave me again. This counts as leaving me". His voice softened, and he agreed. I sighed a breath of relief, after 2 hours on the phone with him, I had managed to calm him down enough to be sensible. I was exhausted. We said our goodnights, and went to bed.
   About a month or two ago, he texted me saying he was in some trouble, and he had started to cut himself. He said it relieved all the pain he had, and eased the hate he had for his life. He told me one night he cut himself so badly that he had to go to a hospital to stop the bleeding. Going against J's liking, I texted him back to show my support, and told him I'd be here if he needed me, but I couldn't help but feel like it was my fault. I broke him just as badly as he had broken me. I felt responsible for driving him to that point. Not sure if it really is my fault, but that is how I feel.
   Now to this day, I haven't spoken to D again. He has gone missing like he always does. I am not blocked on anything anymore, but he no longer posts on Facebook, twitter, whatever you can think of. His friends haven't been saying anything about him besides I miss you, he quit his job at the coffee shop, and he took up singing/voiceovers. That's how I heard his voice after all that time. But he is completely gone, no traces of him. He hasn't posted any more songs on his site. He remains a mystery. My mom and I both think that he was admitted to some sort of hospital to handle his self harm issues. His friends on Facebook just say they miss him and stuff like always. Nothing from D. I won't lie to you all, I do still have feelings for him, but not in that way anymore, more like a close long lost friend. I love J with everything I have inside me, he is my world. But I will always care for D's well-being, and I do miss our friendship. J is my best friend hands down, but like I said that connection we had is indescribable. No girl friend I have here at home could even compete with that. I am just thankful I got to have him in my life.
Here is the painting he painted "because of me" It is a bleeding heart covered in barbed wire, with vines growing on it. He painted this shortly after I told him I had moved on:

Star watching.

   As things got worse with N, D and I hung out more and more. We would always go to the coffee shop, and sit outside on the back steps of the building that was barely ever used. So overall it was pretty private, and that's where we had all of our vent sessions. (No kissing I promise you:p) It was usually at night when I saw him, and our thing was that we would always sit outside and watch the stars. For some reason it was very easy to see them all from that spot. Given some nights, the lights were too bright and you couldn't see them very well. D was always working though, he didn't really have a lot of free time off. And even if he did, his parents wouldn't have let him go out and do something. So any time I did get to hang out with D it was at that coffee shop, during his work hours. But he always managed to sneak out without his manager noticing, and we would duck out back to talk. I always felt bad after cause he ended up getting in trouble every time for a while, but eventually his manager understood why he was sneaking out, and kind of gave him a silent permission. We had so much fun at that coffee shop though, he showed me how to have fun without having to try. You could always see a smile on my face when I was with D, his smile and laugh was so infectious. Not only to me, but everyone around him. He had that effect on people.
   D was a very talented and artsy guy, and also very emotional and sensitive. There was a piano in the coffee shop that he would play for hours for me. We would sit side by side on the bench just losing ourselves in the music. I was so fascinated by it, considering number one I don't know how to play any instrument, and number two, he never took lessons of any kind. He learned all his music, and learned all the keys by just listening to the sounds. It was amazing. He also painted and sketched, and he was really good. He could pen sketch a person's face with details in 5 minutes. D also could play the guitar and sing. He was very self conscious about his singing voice though, up until recently I had never heard him sing before. But of course he's amazing at that too. But over the time period that I was close with D, he wrote me countless poems, painted a picture for me and because of me, and wrote me a few songs which he never let me hear to this day. He was the overall hearts and flowers, romantic, sweet kind of guy, but had a very troubled past. He was honestly my version of a Christian Grey, except switch the whole dominant thing with sensitive and tempramental haha.
   It was about mid July, which is the time things with N were at its rockiest, and I was debating whether or not to break up with him (Thanks to D for making me realize how badly he treated me). I had not found out that he had been cheating at this point yet, but I had a very bad feeling that he was. Well, D and I were sitting in our usual spot on the back steps of the shop, and he switched subjects in our conversation to tell me that his parents would be out of town for the night, and that I should come over. My heart started racing. I had wanted to spend time with him alone like that for a long time, but I had a bad feeling that something was going to go down if I went. But it was too much of an opportunity to pass up, I never got to hang out with D, and here is my chance.
   We messaged each other once he got off of work, and by that time it was almost 10pm. It was so so late at night, there was no way my parents would let me out. And finally at 11pm he gave me the okay that I could come over. Now the hard part, how was I supposed to get there? I thought for a few minutes, and called my girl friend to come pick me up, and drop me off. I turned on my radio in my room, shoved some pillows and clothes under the sheets to make it look like I was sleeping, turned the lights off, and snuck down the stairs, and out the door unnoticed. I hoped in my friend's car and we were on our way.
   On the way there, my friend broke the silence by asking if I was sure that I wanted to keep hanging out with this guy, because I was dating N. She knew me well, and could tell I had feelings for this guy. Good question, but at this point I was considering breaking up with N for the way he was treating me. I was about 5.5 months into a relationship with N, and D showed me nothing but bad things about N, and the way N was treating me, and how much happier I was when I was with him instead. Overall I was very torn, to trust my mind and stay with a guy who I gave everything to who treated me that way, or go against what I was taught, and trust my heart and go with D. We got closer and closer to his house, and my hands started to shake, my stomach was filled with knots, and butterflies, and my heart was beating faster and faster. What was wrong? I had no idea why I was feeling like this, it was just D. I had no idea what I was nervous about, I had hung out with D numerous times, this should've been no different.
   She let me out at the end of his street, and as I walked closer to his house, I tried to calm myself down, or at least get my breathing back to normal. Then I saw him, he was sitting on his porch waiting for me. There was my D, but something was different, he was dressed up more than usual, and I could smell his cologne from 6 feet away. I smiled to myself, he had never done anything like that for me before. It was always just him and me, as ourselves. But of course, the fact that he did do that for me made me feel even more nervous and on edge than I already was. He jumped up as soon as he saw me, and I could tell he was nervous too. He lead me into his living room, and we sat on the couch side by side and stayed silent for about 10 minutes. Neither of us knew what to say, this was wrong, conversation usually flowed between us like water, but for some reason not tonight.
   We heard the front door open, and my heart jumped into my throat. Was that his parents? D grabbed my hand and we ran upstairs to his room, and shut the door. He laughed and said "I'll be right back, stay here and don't go anywhere". I did as I was told, and he reappeared from the hallway, and told me it was just his brother coming home early from a party. One of many knots was released in my stomach.  To pass the time he showed me some of his paintings and drawings he was working on, that were set up throughout his room. One painting in particular caught my eye, I wandered away from him and slowly walked over to it. Finally I realized he had taken a picture of me, and recreated it on the canvas. Immediately I felt my cheeks blush. The detail of the picture was so perfect. He turned to see what I was looking at, and embarrassed, he grabbed my hand to pull me away from it. He sat me on his bed first, then he sat down right next to me. His eyes never leaving mine, I told him it was beautiful, and he really was very talented. He laughed nervously, and playfully disagreed with me. We argued about that constantly, no matter how much I told him, he never believed me. We laid down on his bed, still side by side, and the conversation slowly picked up. I sighed, finally back to normal. He leaned up on one arm, and looked me straight in the eyes. I knew that face, he was upset about something. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Finally he muttered, "Let's go outside, and watch some stars". I sighed again, and followed him downstairs.
   A million things were going through my head all at once as we made our way outside. We found the perfect spot, and laid down side by side again. He was so close to me, usually it didn't really phase me, but tonight I felt a butterfly in my stomach do a backflip. I could feel his body heat even with the warm summer air around us, his shoulders brushed mine in a way that every time he moved, tingles shot down my back. He nudged my arm breaking my train of thought, and started pointing out the me all the  different constellations in the sky. He was so smart, not even just with stars, he was smart with everything. He is the type that you could be walking next to down the street, and he could point out and name every specie of tree that he saw. In fact we did that once. My interrupted train of thought continued, I loved everything about him. He had his issues, but everyone does. I mean I'm far from perfect. But it really was a beautiful night, there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The atmosphere was completely indescribable, other than perfect. We were silent for a minute, and then he leaned up on one arm again, giving me that face I knew oh too well. But this time he didn't hold back what was on his mind. He said "H, I can't take this anymore, I love you more than anything in this world, you are my everything". My heart dropped. I was afraid of this, I felt the exact same, but I was too stubborn. Looking back I was so stupid, but I felt the need to stay faithful to N due to everything I had done with him.
   My heart jumped back up into my throat, I felt like I couldn't breathe. His eyes burned into me, they were filled with hurt, and love. "I can't take him doing this to you anymore, I'm not going to just sit and watch him tear you apart". He knew what my answer was going to be, but he also knew this was his only shot. He told me to break up with N, and to be his instead. My head was swimming in all my thoughts, and I was drowning. It seemed too good to be true, like some fairy tale out of a book. But this was all too much for me, I whispered that I needed time to think. Mostly time to think about how to cut the ties with N. I needed space, and air to breathe. I started to get up, but he gently pushed my shoulder back down against the warm grass. He leaned in, his breath on my cheek, and kissed me long, hard, and soft all at the same time. He put all his pent up emotion all in that one kiss, then pulled away all in that same second. My stomach was doing doubles, triples, and quadruples. I felt horrible. This was the last thing I wanted to happen. I got up quickly and ran to the front porch, not looking back. He knew I was upset, and followed me out front. I was sitting on the porch crying. So many things were running through my mind, I didn't want to hurt D, I loved him. And then there was the whole thing about D kissing me, how was I going to explain that to N. He came over to me, sat next to me, and rubbed my back. His touch sent more shivers down my spine. He whispered, "H, I love you, I'm not hiding it anymore. I'm sorry for kissing you, I know it was wrong of me, but I needed you to see what you could have here with me". I choked out, "I love you too, but I can't D, you know that. I wouldn't feel right with myself if I didn't try to make it work with him". Disappointment washed over his face, but he continued to rub my back. I turned to give him a hug, and he gave one back, holding me tighter than he ever had before. I whispered in his ear, "Just let me think, give me a few more days to breathe, I need to figure this all out". He nodded. Then we said our goodbyes, and my friend took me back home.
To Be Continued:

Saturday, January 12, 2013

My slice of heaven in a pit of fire.

   Well for the start of this story we have to back-track a little. It gets a little confusing so hang in there:) We have to rewind all the way back to 6 days after I met N at that club. At this time N and I were texting, we weren't actually dating, we were just "talking". So one night I got this message on Facebook from this guy in a neighboring small town about 20 minutes away. I had never met this guy, and didn't know many people that lived in his town besides a few people from my high school. The message read "Hey you don't know me, but I just wanted to tell you, you're really hot :)". Usually those types of messages make me mad, and I ignore them, but there was something different this time. I actually smiled, and laughed a little while I read it. I messaged back, and that's how it all started.
   He didn't have a phone so we messaged each other on Facebook every day. We got closer and closer to one another. The conversation between us flowed so easily, we didn't even have to try. To this day I can't describe the type of connection we had, it was just magnetic and so natural. His name was D. He had long dark black hair that just brushed the top of his eyebrows, chocolate brown eyes, he was about 5'9, and very slim in figure. He was only 10 days older than me, and in a grade below me. We always teased each other about that. The first time D and I ever met in person was at the coffee shop where he worked. We had talked earlier in the day about the time we would meet, and how we would find each other once we got there. He told me to go up to bar, and order a raspberry smoothie, because that was his station, and he would know I was there once that item was ordered that night:) He always thought of creative stuff like that for the times we did get to hang out. His parents had met me several times, but still wouldn't let him have anyone over. So the coffee shop was our normal meeting place.
   But from the very beginning I told D that I was talking to someone, and I wasn't really looking for a boyfriend. He accepted that, and told me he would be more than happy to be just my best friend. He said "Well H, I already considered you my best friend a few days after we started talking:)" The closer he got the more personal things he told me about himself, and I him. He helped me get through some family issues at one time, and was always there when I needed someone to call and cry to. And likewise with me, D came from a bad family situation. He felt confident enough to confide in me that when he was 13 he was taken away from his biological parents due to drug problems. His older sister was killed in a drug related incident, and his 3 other sisters were also taken away from the parents when D was. D's adopted parents were very strict, and very very religious. When he was having a hard night, he always confided in me, and I tried my best to comfort him. That was how close our relationship had gotten. We were always there for each other no matter what.
  Then bad things started to happen with N. And since I always went to D for advice and comfort, this was no different. We were on the phone one night, and he told me "H you deserve better than that, he treats you horribly, why can't you see that? I'm your best friend, and I've seen you miserable with him these past few months. Maybe you can't see it, but I can. Just because you went that far with him doesn't mean you have to stay and be emotionally abused every day by him. I can't stand to see you like this" Deep down I knew he was right, but I couldn't get myself to break up with N at that point. My morality had gotten the best of me. I felt like I needed to stay with N, and to try to make our relationship work because I had given him that important part of me. I mean I grew up in a Catholic elementary school, and I go to a Catholic high school. That just kinda shows you the stuff that I've been taught my whole life. Sex did mean a lot to me. It's not just a physical action, it's a way of showing your love for someone, and a symbol of commitment to that person.
   Things with N just kept spiraling down and down and down after that first time he cheated. And D noticed my happiness was being buried by more and more sadness, hurt, and that N was slowly demolishing my trust in people, but couldn't do anything to stop it. He could only try to support me, and I think that is what made him the most upset. The fact that my world was slowly being set on fire, piece by piece. But he also knew that he was my only relief and safe zone in my world of fire, and that he needed to rescue me somehow.
To Be Continued:

Learning lessons.

   So I'm going to summarize the rest of our relationship, and highlight the important parts for the rest of the story on N. Honestly when I spent time with N, everything seemed fine, and I couldn't have been happier with someone at the time. We had fun when we stayed at home, we went out to movies, and fun stuff like that like any other normal couple. His parents loved me, and I loved them. His sister and I got along very well. Like we were close enough to text each other, and hang out when N had to work. After so long I started spending all my weekends at his house. We started dating in February, and dated for 6 months. So we basically had a summer romance. So during school, I would leave Friday night, and come home Sunday night. But N had a part-time job so I would just hang out with his sister until he came home. Everything about us seemed like a normal couple. And for the first few months, we seemed like a normal couple when we were apart too. Let me say one thing about N, he is the world's greatest actor. He could make a girl believe he was head over heels in love with her in a week, without any issues. I trusted him so much that I gave him something I could never take back. He knew from early on that I was a virgin, and he also knew how much sex meant to me. I wanted my first time to be with someone I truly loved, and who loved me just the same. Well I thought that was him. It makes me sick to my stomach that he was that cold and selfish of a human being to take that from me knowing all that.
   The first of many bad things were brought to the surface about 3 months into our relationship. He began to not text or call as much as normal, and he was being distant with me. I thought it was just because he was busy with work and finishing up school and stuff. I was very wrong. His best friend and cousin Ni texted me one night, and said he needed to tell me something. Immediately my heart dropped. I texted back asking what was up, and he replied by telling me that N went to the same club were he and I met, and danced with and kissed some random girl there. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I tried to gather myself together, and asked him questions about it. He said he was with him when it happened. That was there verification I needed. I immediately called N yelling at him, and telling him I just found out that he cheated on me. Surprisingly he didn't deny it, he apologized and started crying right there on the phone. That was one of his signature moves, he would make himself cry to make him seem more believable. The fact that he could do that disgusted me. He begged me saying "I love you H, please don't leave me, just give me a second chance, you mean everything to me". Stuff like that, each word struck a nerve deep down inside me. Tears welling up in my eyes, I forgave him, and made him promise that he wouldn't do it again. I made it clear that I would break up with him if it happened again. Looking back the only reason I gave him a second chance was because of what I gave him, and the ties that were created because of it.
   Because I busted him, he pulled the nice guy act for another month or two. But towards the end of July, he started to become distant again. The feeling was very familiar to me. I reached out to N's best friend asking him if he knew what was wrong with him, and he never answered me. A knot formed in my stomach. But later on that night his best friend called me. He said "H, you are a very sweet girl, and you deserve the best, you don't deserve to be treated the way N treats you. If I tell you something, you have to promise not to tell N that I told you, even if he asks okay?" I replied, "Just tell me whatever it is you need to tell me, I can handle it". He took a very deep breath, and paused before he spoke again. The next words that came out of his mouth were the words that completely broke me. He said "N has been cheating on you since the first day you two started dating". Tears immediately flooded my eyes, and my heart felt like a popped balloon. I was just numb, I wasn't mad, or sad. Just completely blank. "Are you okay?" Ni said pulling me back to reality. I told him I'd be fine, and to continue what he was saying. He told me he was kissing, dancing with, doing stuff with, and going all the way with several other girls the whole time we were dating. I almost threw up right then from the thought. I imagined him sleeping with all those other girls. I didn't understand how someone could do that to another. Hurt them that way. Then memories filled my head with all those times he left the room with his phone, and days he basically went missing with no excuse. It all made sense. I was being played from the very start.
   I promised Ni that I would not tell N that he told. After we hung up, I texted N saying "I know you've been cheating on me, it's over". 7 seconds later my phone vibrated in my hand, startling me. He said "Does that mean you're breaking up with me? Please baby, don't, I need you, I won't eat or sleep or do anything if you leave me" Lies. "Baby please I never cheated on you, I just woke up, I'm not at another girl's house, please can we just talk about this tomorrow?" More lies, I couldn't take it. Eventually since I wasn't answering him he called me, I decided to pick up to see what he had to say. He pulled the same stuff he always did when he was busted doing something wrong. He turned on the water works, and purposely tried to strike nerves deep down. He told me he was holding the keychain I made him crying right now. Really? He pulled stuff like that all the time, he always played the victim card to try to make me feel bad for catching him cheating. I was sick of it. I was silent listening to him act. Finally he said "You there?" I repeated my answer saying it was over and hung up. Ni called me soon after, and stayed on the phone with me for a full hour while I cried. It was the best gesture he could do for me, and I respect him for it. It meant a lot to me. His sister tried to console me, but there wasn't much she could do or say considering it was her brother. His mom messaged me on Facebook a week later saying she will miss me, and that she had really hoped that him and I would have made it together because she really liked me. It all hurt so much, but yet I still felt nothing. My body and mind were completely numb to pain now. My trust for all guys was shattered, and I was broken.